The Power of the Pause
Earlier this year, I was suffering with overwhelm. Everyone needed me for something and I seemed to be the only person who had the answer to every problem in the world....well, in my world anyway.
I recollected a time about 25 years ago when I was new to the business of financial services and didn't have a clue what I was doing. Everyone else had the answers except me. How far I had come! It was a lovely feeling of satisfaction to now be seen as the person with all the answers, even although what came with it was it's own brand of exhaustion.
I decided I needed a break to switch off, disconnect and destress. I booked myself and the dog into a shepherd's hut about a 90 minute drive from home. Miles from anywhere, beautiful scenery, gorgeous walks, a log burner...and no internet!
My preparation included the packing of my photography equipment, a notebook, my Kindle and a brand new state-of-the art MP3 player to listen to my music on a device other than my iPhone. I'd also just recently discovered the term 'audiophile' and so I was keen to explore this purist-like enjoyment of music! Well, that was my excuse for buying a new gadget and I was sticking to it!
My pup and I arrived at our remote shepherd’s hut on Wednesday at 4pm.
It was a beuatiful day and I unpacked and carefully stored everything in our tiny abode, the size of which was not dissimilar to my en suite bathroom at home! It was a squeeze, but snug and perfectly laid out.
I set up some of my photography equipment and took some nature shots. I lit a fire. I put some music on my travel speaker. I played with the dog. I wrote some notes (in a notebook with a pen…how novel!) Then I had some food and a glass of wine. Now what?
I'd promised myself I wouldn't watch Netflix, but I'd read or write and just be peaceful. It was hard. I didn't realise how hard it would be.
It had been a difficult few months professionally and I was tired. I’d been firefighting problems and issues coming at me from every possible angle for months. I’d been constantly reactive to things and not been able to get into a position of organised proactivity, no matter how hard I tried. I felt like my brain was fried and I was constantly on high alert for the next catastrophe that was waiting to land on my desk.
I'd been so drawn to just disconnect from society completely that I assumed I'd just slip into it in some exhausted, relieved stupor. Not so.
Off I went to bed with absolutely no plans for the next day. Upon waking, I thought it would be nice to take the pup to the beach. We had a lovely walk, but seemed to be back at the hut all too soon.
I relit the fire and settled down with my book. I was becoming ever more agitated as the hours ticked by and I couldn't figure out why. Despite the lack of distractions and triggers, my brain was racing and I was uncomfortable and bored out of my head. Even the dog was restless.
By 1pm, exactly 24 hours after leaving home, I looked and Truman and said, "Come on little dude, let's go home". I had this overwhelming urge to be back home on my sofa in front of my TV and reconnected with the world.
I'd booked 3 nights at our shepherd's hut and I'd lasted all of 24 hours. I was annoyed at myself for failing in my quest to disconnect.
The relief I felt to be back on my sofa was immense. It was only Thursday afternoon and I wasn't due back in work until Monday. Everyone expected me to be totally off grid. A thought struck me. I'd remain exactly that and I wouldn't tell anyone I was home.
I snuggled down on my welcoming sofa and put the TV on but I didn't check my social media, nor my email. The phone remained off...no mean feat for me in itself.
“I had the nicest few days. Just me and my pup in the home that I love. I'd disconnected after all, just not in the way that I thought. It was blissful, comforting and energising.”
Sunday afternoon came and I apprehensively reconnected everything to see what had been going on.
I have no fewer than 5 email accounts and I was dreading what I might see. I decided to do an 'email audit'. I'd received approximately 200 emails over almost 4 days but, when I checked them all at once, I discovered that two thirds of them were utter rubbish! I was stunned at the nonsense filling my inbox. It was fascinating to see it all at once rather than consistently deleting things as they came in to keep the inboxes clear. I set about unsubscribing from the adverts filled the latest clothes and gadgets interspersed with promises of everlasting health and untold riches...I hadn't done this before and just did not realise exactly how many things I was subscribed to. The detox exercise was satisfying and oddly cleansing.
I checked my voicemail. 5 messages. Nothing life threatening. The world had not stopped after all, just because I hadn't picked my phone up. I’d suspected my phone had actually rung much more often than that, and it interested me that only 5 people left messages for me to call back. Did that mean the other calls were all pretty much unnecessary? Intriguing.
My peace was lovely. I was in my home, with my pup and all my home comforts and the lovely thing was, that nobody knew I was there!
I reflected before Monday came. I hadn't failed in my quest to disconnect after all. I'd simply done it differently. I'd become aware of how many people and things actually really did need me to be constantly available. Not many. Fewer than I thought. And that realisation didn't even make me feel rejected and superfluous to requirements. It taught me more about what was important and what was not.
Making myself unavailable and switching everything off gave me renewed energy.
The biggest learning point was when I considered why I was only able to cope with one night at my little shepherd's hut and not the three that I had booked. It proved to me exactly how hyperconnected we are and cold turkey for three nights was just a step too far. We need to go easy on ourselves...disconnect gently, it'll have a greater benefit. Awareness of it all is key. How does it affect us? We get used to being so connected we forget to smell the flowers.
I refused to be hard on myself about failing to meet my three night goal. I simply did it differently, that's all.
Maybe next time I'll manage two!